Divorce is hard enough without having to deal with a narcissistic partner who makes things even more chaotic. One common—and painful—situation is when your spouse tells your children about the divorce before you’re ready and without your knowledge.
Not only does this violate your trust, but it can also cause serious emotional confusion for your kids. If you’re in this position, here’s how to respond constructively and protect your children’s well-being.
Stay calm, and don’t react rashly
It’s natural to feel angry, hurt or blindsided when you find out your spouse told the kids about the divorce behind your back. But it’s important not to lash out, especially in front of the children. Narcissistic individuals often thrive on conflict and may even want to provoke a reaction they can later use against you. Take a breath, collect yourself and plan your next steps calmly.
Talk to your children—gently
Regardless of how the news came out, your kids need reassurance at the current moment. Set aside time to talk with them directly. Let them know that while the divorce is happening, both parents still love them and will be there for them. Gently correct any misleading narratives your spouse may have given them, but don’t speak negatively about the other parent. This isn’t just about legal positioning—it’s about emotional safety for your kids.
Document the incident
Narcissists can be manipulative and may attempt to twist situations in their favor during custody negotiations. Document what happened exactly, including:
- What your children said
- How your kids seemed to feel
- Any written or recorded communication from your spouse about the matter
This may come in handy if you need to demonstrate a pattern of manipulative or inappropriate behavior to the court.
Set boundaries for future communication
If you’re able, speak to your spouse and assert clear boundaries: conversations about major life events, especially involving the kids, must be discussed and agreed upon first. In highly toxic relationships, direct communication might not be possible. In that case, use a co-parenting app or enlist legal support to relay messages. If boundaries are repeatedly violated, talk to your legal support system about how to address it formally.
When dealing with a narcissistic spouse, it’s not unusual to be undermined or manipulated. However, you still have power—especially in how you respond. By staying calm, focusing on your children’s needs and setting firm boundaries, you can turn a damaging situation into an opportunity to reinforce stability and trust.